There are articles, books, seminars, conferences, and entire ministries built around building and keeping marriages burning strong. For many marriages, some of the wisdom and counsel offered feels extremely out of reach. The wisdom isn’t bad by any means, but all marriages are unique, and many are simply not ready for certain biblical teachings to take root.
One major reason for this is that one or both spouses are engaging in ongoing, destructive sin. When a couple isn’t seeking and serving God together, it puts incredible strain on the marriage in various ways.
I’m not talking about the everyday struggles of sin but of ongoing, unrepentant sin that is repetitious and does real damage to one or both spouses and, ultimately, the marriage. These marriages require a different kind of wisdom and care than what is offered to marriages where both spouses actively seek to serve and love the other.
Each union brings a set of personalities, experiences, worldviews, and perspectives. That’s not to say that biblical marriage is only meant for a certain season of marriage or that having a biblical marriage is not for everyone. It is. Some marriages simply have a harder time understanding what that looks like, and it might look different from the next marriage, yet both could still be biblical.
A biblical marriage is defined throughout scripture and cannot be simplified into a one or two-sentence interpretation. At its core, it is based on a relationship with Jesus, in love, unity, and respect.
I have observed several different seasons of marriage, and each season needs a different kind of nurturing.
Defining these seasons is not meant to minimize or demoralize any person or union. They are simply a gauge to help one recognize where they may be and what kind of wisdom and attention is needed to save, stabilize, or strengthen a marriage. You won’t know where to go if you don’t know where you are.
Four Seasons of Marriage
Blissful Marriage
A blissful marriage is a season in which both spouses seek God, separately and together, and allow Him to work in their hearts and lives. They also seek to serve and love the other before themselves and alongside themselves. When conflict arises, they can apply wisdom and grace most of the time and come out on the other side with the conflict solved and each spouse still whole.
Couples need to continue to seek the Lord separately and together because God is the Rock and Foundation for a marriage that is unified and delightful most of the time.
Stable Marriage
This is a season of marriage when the relationship isn’t great, but it isn’t horrible either. Each spouse may tolerate the other, and both may avoid conflict to not “rock the boat” of stability. It is by no means burning to the ground, but neither is it burning with passion. They simply co-exist and may even appear content, but deep down, they are lacking something they can’t quite put their finger on. They are civil. They don’t go on dates, and though mutual respect and love still linger, there is not much effort made for growth.
Spouses need to be more intentional about seeking the Lord and also seeking out each other. If you want that spark to reignite, focus on what makes your spouse unique to you and why you got married. A great way to help you figure out where to start would be to check out Lisa and Phy’s book, The Flirtation Experiment.
Hard Marriage
The season of a hard marriage comes when life’s circumstances hit a couple hard. A death, financial devastation, a special needs child—whether physical or mental—a pandemic, or even when one or both spouses aren’t serving the Lord. These (and many other circumstances) can make for an extra hard marriage season. Sometimes, all you can do is survive, right? Keep your head above water. The daily stress of these life challenges can cause more conflict simply because of both spouses’ stress. This can cause a build-up of friction over time. Which can lead to spouses drifting apart.
Spouses need to draw close when life gets hard. The best way to get through these stormy waters is together. Seek the Lord together and lay those things you cannot control at His feet. Trust Him. And lean into each other.
Indifferent or Lukewarm Marriage
This particular season can be a dangerous one. Unlike a stable marriage, an indifferent marriage is where one or both spouses are uninterested, detached, and apathetic toward the other. They simply don’t care, one way or the other, about their spouse or their marriage. No steps are being taken to help the marriage because one or both spouses simply stopped caring.
When this happens, it opens the door to temptation that is much easier to justify. When you don’t care what happens in the marriage, you don’t care to prevent allowing other things (or people) in. If you find yourself in this season and even a small part of you cares, I encourage you to take the first step to either mend the relationship or seek counsel on what to do next.
This season could lead to a much more serious storm when it isn’t promptly resolved.
The Hurricane
Every marriage could experience all four seasons, or some may experience two or three.
However, there is another classification that shouldn’t fall into the realm of a season but a storm. A violent storm such as a hurricane or tornado and that’s the destructive or abusive marriage.
While going through the above seasons is more of a normal and mostly healthy cycle (as long as you’re not staying in the hard or indifferent seasons too long or they don’t cause serious problems)—a storm can be and often is detrimental to the marriage and one or both spouses.
Destructive Marriage
A destructive marriage can be a very long, even permanent storm if help for both spouses isn’t sought out. A destructive marriage includes emotional/physical abuse, unfaithfulness, the ongoing use of pornography, drug or alcohol abuse/addiction, or any other ongoing sin that isn’t being addressed. Couples in this season need to seek outside help and it’s very common that one will want help and the other won’t. This season of marriage requires a different flavor of wisdom than the other seasons until they are out of their hurricane.
Women who are in marriages in the hard and destructive categories can feel hopeless, frustrated, and even angry reading and listening to counsel on how to better serve, love, pray for, and forgive their husbands because they have emptied themselves doing just that and the marriage is still suffering. Or life has simply taken their spark and they have nothing left to give their spouse. Where is help for these marriages? What if one spouse does everything “right” and the other isn’t even trying? Can a marriage thrive like that?
One way to determine whether or not you are in a destructive marriage is to read Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
If this is you, friend, first I want you to know I see you. You need something different to bring your marriage to a place of stability and wholeness before moving to a place of bliss and delight. And you are not alone.
If you find yourself in the hard or destructive season of marriage, I want you to know there is hope. God has not forsaken you, even if it feels like He has. I have been there and I want to take your hand and walk with you through it. Because I know what it feels like to want to isolate. I know what it feels like to think no one could understand or you don’t want anyone knowing what’s really going on because they might judge you or think less of you.
I know precious writers who focus on serving blissful and stable marriages, and they are amazing! If you need to continue strengthening your marriage, check out Club31Women and Unveiled Wife.
But if your marriage is in a season where circumstances have you too buried to even think about how to flirt with your husband or sneak off on a date together or you find yourself in a place where you don’t even want anything to do with him, seek a counselor who specializes in emotionally destructive marriages. They can help you navigate such waters.
You are not alone and do not have to walk this path alone.
Joyfully His,
Christin
