Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace.
2 Corinthians 1:12
A few years ago, my eldest daughter told me one of the things she loved about her dad and I was that we lived out our faith, we didn’t just talk about it.
I honestly could not think of a higher compliment or blessing.
However, last year did not feel as if we were doing much walking in faith. My husband and I, working through some tough things in our marriage, were walking a broken road. We felt lost and alone as we worked through our separate issues so we could walk in unity again.
While faithfully following the biblical principles of an excellent wife and a godly woman, they were used against me. And I was so broken I didn’t want anything to do with reading the Bible.
I was consumed by my own pain and couldn’t see much past it. I lost sight of God’s word and His promises because I felt betrayed by them. That was my personal perception and it was a lie the enemy used to continue to keep me from connecting with God on an intimate level.
I kept God at arm’s length. I didn’t engage in destructive or sinful behavior because I still had the truth living in me and I believe the Holy Spirit was still dwelling in me. I just knew that wouldn’t help matters any and in fact, would have just made things worse.
But I withdrew from anything related to the Scriptures or cliches about living for God. They didn’t fit the tragedy I was living. I didn’t want to trust God because I thought following His Word meant I would have a blessed marriage and life.
But marriage is built upon three people pouring into it and if just one wasn’t doing their part, the marriage suffered.
It wasn’t God who had failed me. It was my husband.
I wrestled with my pain alone. I isolated and thought I could figure it out myself. I couldn’t. And though people probably wouldn’t guess I was struggling in this way, they could sense I was struggling. I pulled out of nearly all church ministries and struggled just to make it to a Sunday service.
But I made the choice to stay and fight for our family. Although there were very hard things to work through, splitting the family, in our case, would have been a lot harder.
God’s grace and mercy on me during this time were humbling. His patience with me was astounding.
The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
Psalm 145:8
While I do regret withdrawing because it didn’t aid in my healing or anything yet God remained loving and faithful which is a powerful testimony—to Him, not me.
Because we all get to a place where we question God, are mad at God, or simply ignore God because we think we know better and want what we want.
I couldn’t get what I needed without remaining close to the Father because He has everything I need.
But it’s not enough to say it or believe it—I must live it.
I want to live it.
I want to live out His Word in my life and trust He knows best. Because I already know what it’s like not to.
It’s empty and lonely and unfulfilling. Shallow, hollow, dry.
The world will appear to have what you think you need, but it will be nothing more than appealing to the eye while empty of any substance.
What circumstance has you running away from or ignoring God? Do you feel the emptiness, confusion, and/or conviction it has left you with? He is not judging you or angry with you. He is simply waiting for you to reach out to Him again.
Your life and how you live it is a testimony to God in every way. His love, His goodness, His grace, His forgiveness, His righteousness, His selflessness.
Yeah, we tend to get it wrong at times, but are we being intentional about trying to get it right?
Dear God, there are times when I stray thinking I know better. Yet you are so patient and kind as you wait for me to return. Thank you for your grace and mercy on my life. Please help me to be a living testimony of your lovingkindness, your goodness and your righteousness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
What I’m Reading
Currently, I’m working my way through Lysa TerKeurst’s book, “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered”
Some truths that have encouraged me from her book:
“Our pain and suffering isn’t to hurt us. It’s to save us. To save us from a life where we are self-reliant, self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and set up for the greater pain of all…separation from God.”
“Jesus is in the process of turning your hurt into wisdom.”
“If I want His promises, I have to trust His process. I have to trust that first comes the dust, and then comes the making of something even better with us. God isn’t ever going to forsake you, but He will go to great lengths to remake you. What if disappointment is really the exact appointment your soul needs to radically encounter God?”
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