Breaking Free From The Illusion Of Control: A Path To Inner Calm

When we cling to the belief we have control over a person or circumstance, we burden ourselves with an illusion that doesn’t exist. How can we break free from the illusion of control?

Without fully realizing it, I have a problem with control. It’s not really outward, though. It’s inward. I don’t try to control or manipulate people to get them to do what I want.

Instead, I’ve created illusions in my mind that make me feel in control. I’ve relied on formulas and tried to do all the “right things” expecting that life will turn out the way I think it should.

Such as using a parenting formula that may have worked for one family or one child and expecting the same results in my own children. When instead I should be considering the personality and needs of my individual children.

Our Belief About Control

We have this belief that if we can control information or circumstances or even people, we can get the outcome we hope for. Unfortunately, life rarely works that way.

The more we hang onto our illusion of control, the more we crush that which we are trying to control. Relationships become strained, anxiety gets worse, and frustration becomes a way of life because we aren’t able to actually control what we’re attempting to control.

Control creates anxiety. Although we seek control as a solution to our anxiety, control also produces anxiety. It’s counterintuitive on the surface, but the more we try to control something uncontrollable, the more out of control we feel. Then, to quell our anxiety, we seek to control even more.
Sharon Hodde Miller

We often hear people say “God is in control”, and in a sense that is true. However, the one thing He does not control is us. He has given us the gift of free will — so we are able to choose which paths we take.

We Crave Stability and Security

We can trick our minds into believing a false reality in which we are in control — even while we are completely out of control. Being bound to that illusion hinders us from actually making it a reality. It becomes this vicious cycle we feed ourselves in order to feel as if we’re stable.

“The illusion of control is powerful. If we feel like we are in control, it doesn’t matter if we actually are. That is how influential the illusion of control is for the human imagination.”
Sharon Hodde Miller

She goes on to say,

We as individuals and as a culture crave control so desperately that we will reject reality and live in denial of our limitations for as long as we possibly can.

Does this mean we should stop trying to live a disciplined or healthy life? No, of course not. But it’s important to recognize that having good habits or choosing healthier food options does not guarantee a certain type of outcome. You may improve your quality of life but it doesn’t guarantee you will avoid health issues or never slip into bad habits again.

The Fear of What People Think

There is a large part of us who fear disappointing people — usually particular people. So we make decisions that we believe will help control the way people think about us. If we say we don’t care what any people think about us, we deceive ourselves. We literally lie to ourselves because we really do care and because we care and we can’t control what they think, we try to control what we think by lying to ourselves.

Everyone has certain people they want to think well of them. While we can’t control what people believe about us, we can choose to live in a way that honors God and that fruit will speak for itself. If someone chooses to think falsely of us, we cannot control that. It will only cause mounting anxiety trying to please someone else. What other people think of us doesn’t matter.

Let it go. Let people think what they want. We cannot save them, so let’s focus on pointing them to the One who can.
Sharon Hodde Miller