Is it normal to feel like a failure as a parent? At some point, we all feel like a failure as moms. But there is a powerful truth you need to know.
I admit I thought being a mom would be easier as the kids got older. In some ways, it is because they’ve become more independent. But in other ways, it became more challenging. In ways I never imagined, to be honest.
Why Formulas Make You Feel Like a Failure as a Mom
I think we’ve all fallen into the formula trap where we believe if we do all the “right” things, we will produce these perfect kids. Maybe not even perfect, but well-adjusted, well-disciplined, selfless, etc. Oh, the promises are convincing — and no offense intended to the authors who wrote these books. I know their purpose is to help other parents. Bless their hearts. Maybe it did help some and that’s fantastic!
But here’s the trouble with formulas and promises of turning out a certain “kind” of person: our children have a free will we need to recognize—just as we have free will. Our goal as parents is never to control our children but to teach, train, and guide them, all in love. Yes, there will be consequences involved when poor choices are made. That’s a fact of life.
Control really is an illusion. When you use threats or punishment as a means of control rather than utilizing loving consequences and forgiveness as a means to grow, once your child becomes an adult, you lose whatever control you thought you had. And probably a whole lot more.
I think it’s natural for parents to want to control their children so they’ll make good and wise choices. And during the formative years, it’s probably easier to do. But it’s not the best method as our children grow into teenagers if we want growth that lasts once they move out.
A Simple, Powerful Truth from the Perfect Father
Here’s something, dear mom, I want you to know. It was something God spoke to me while I was doing some wrestling of my own and it’s a fact so I know He wants you to know it, too.
Think back to Adam and Eve. God’s very first children. God was the perfect Father. He is the perfect Father. Perfect. Complete. Lacking absolutely nothing as a parent. He gave His children everything they needed. Everything. Love. Care. Joy. Protection. They were in the most loving and stable environment in the history of the world. He gave them everything that was wrapped up in His perfect presence. He didn’t give them everything they wanted, but He did provide them with everything they needed. Everything. A perfect Dad.
He also gave them free will. Yet they chose to step outside of His perfect, absolutely flawless design and will for them, and go their own way. Because they thought there was something better. They thought God was holding out on them. And it hurt them. And it hurt God.
God, the perfect Father, who gave all to His two children and they lacked for nothing, watched as they made decisions that weren’t His best and for their good. Does this mean God is not all-powerful? Not at all. Because He is such a good Father and the Holy God, He chose not to use His power as a means of control.
Your child’s choices aren’t necessarily a reflection of your parenting. Good or bad. They were born and created with the ability to think for themselves and choose for themselves. Same as us.
This truth should truly come as a comfort. It certainly gave me a peace no human could ever convince me of. As our perfect Father watched His children make mistakes He could not easily fix, He sent Jesus to redeem us out of our own sin. He couldn’t bear to just let us die and be separated from Him. He understands our struggle!
We are not perfect moms and will absolutely make mistakes. We may even make the same ones repeatedly and not realize it for years to come. This is why we need to cling to God’s grace and forgiveness.
Our children are not perfect either. Just as much as we want and desperately need grace, so do our kids when they make mistakes.
Live in God’s Word
The very best way to guide our children as they grow and mature into adults is to stay connected to Jesus and live in the Word. Everything we need is in there. Everything they need is in there.
Just like us, they won’t always heed everything in it and they may learn the hard way. It’s important to remember that even though God is the perfect Father, we still aren’t perfect children. We are NOT perfect mothers and our children will not be perfect either.
Books can be helpful and offer encouragement and direction, but they can also have the opposite effect because the author typically shares their own experiences and backgrounds. The outcome isn’t going to be identical.
If you are doing your best to be the best mom you know how, that’s all you can do. Being imperfect doesn’t make you a failure as a mom.
Rest in God’s Goodness and Design
The most important thing you can teach your child is how much they are loved. By Jesus and by their parents. Tell them. Show them. Every single day without fail, no matter how they fail.
You have not failed as a mom if your child isn’t walking the path you thought they would. And your child is not doomed to struggle their whole life simply because they will make different mistakes than you made. Believe me, they will make mistakes. However, don’t let their mistakes define them.
Rest in this, dear mama. You are doing a great job! Having children isn’t about being the perfect mom and raising the perfect children. Even as God was (is) the perfect Father, He didn’t produce perfect children. Not because He was incapable but because He gifted humanity with free will. Our kids will ultimately choose their own paths—just as God has allowed us to choose our paths.
Release your children to the Lord and rest in His goodness. Let go of the lie that you are somehow a failure.
xoxo,
Christin Slade
