If you are serious about wanting to heal your relationship with your spouse, you need to allow God to work in your marriage His way.
I have not shared anything on my blog previously to this post but I will include a synopsis of our story to offer some background for the sake of this post. But before I do, I want you to know we are doing great right now. We have seen an amazing counselor who has helped us untangle a lot of the mess. My husband has worked hard on himself for the sake of, not just our marriage, but being a son of God. He has proven he is committed to God and our family and continues to do so.
In the same way, I have also had to do work on myself for our marriage to heal.
Our Story
About 4 years ago, I was enlightened to the fact that many of the issues in our marriage were based on some emotional abuse. I always had a sense that things felt “off” at times but could never really pinpoint what or why. It wasn’t until I was introduced to a professional, Christian counselor (not ours) who specializes in emotionally abusive relationships that my eyes were opened. I educated myself and read other women’s stories, and eventually worked up the courage to lovingly confront my husband.
Once my husband understood how he was hurting me, he eventually took ownership of his actions and agreed to go to counseling together so we could work through the issues. The one thing that was important for me to understand is that my husband was acting out of his own brokenness, and although repentance was necessary, so was healing for him just as much as for me. He needed to be freed from what was holding him bondage.
So, as we walked through the hurt, separately and together, there was some real painful digging into wounds that needed to happen. It was hard. It was hard being honest about ourselves, with ourselves, and with each other.
Healing is Heart Work
If you are in a difficult or destructive marriage, the only way to heal the hurt and the pain is to go through. Pushing it to the left or the right or brushing it under the rug will not bring healing. (Also, know the difference between a difficult versus a destructive marriage).
It requires facing some hard truths about yourself and then sharing them with your spouse. This can be incredibly difficult because you are likely in a place where you may not trust or feel safe with your spouse. It requires being fully vulnerable and exposed. But if you want God to heal your marriage, you need to let Him reveal truth to you about you.
We all have places inside us that are a pain point that can trigger negative or destructive behavior. Destructive behavior isn’t always obvious and in your face. It can mean holding onto your pain and as a result not trusting anyone. It can mean using your pain as an excuse for negative behavior when you should be working through that with Jesus so He can bring freedom and healing. That means listening to and believing HIS truth about you and not what other people have told you or made you believe.
Let God work in your heart to heal and bring freedom to your life. He desires that you walk in victory. Not in bondage to the lies of the Enemy, the lies of this world, or the desires of your own flesh to remain where it feels comfortable and safe for you. Marriage isn’t just about you and your own comfort. It means sharing your life with someone and doing what’s necessary to build a strong, healthy relationship.
Give Jesus Full Control
God uses people to help one another and while I believe understanding and unraveling our pain is a helpful start for healing and growth, it is not the only way Jesus uses to heal us. I think it’s but a beginning. Healing doesn’t come from just knowledge and understanding. It comes from belief—faith—in who Jesus says He is and who He says you are. Faith is activated not merely by believing enough, but by walking out and living in that belief.
When you give Jesus full control, you stay away from worldly thinking and instead walk in the wisdom He gives through His word. It’s not always easy, but God equips us with His Spirit. When we allow His Spirit to take hold of our hearts, we are able to love more deeply. We are able to extend forgiveness. We can walk in joy and peace because we are walking in the Spirit and not in our own flesh or with the world. This makes all the difference.
If you want your marriage to heal, you must first allow God to heal you in His way and on His terms. And then allow Him to heal your marriage in the same way.
You may be wondering, “Well, what about my husband? He’s the real problem. He’s the one with the destructive behavior.”
Your husband needs to make that same choice for himself. I also believe if you approach your husband with love, grace, and tenderness about his destructive behavior being an issue of healing for him, he may be more apt to respond positively. Because ultimately, that’s what’s going on. I’m in no way excusing poor behavior or choices. He needs to own them and repent of them. But it’s important for a wife to also recognize the pain this behavior may be coming from. Your husband is responsible for his actions (and words) just as you are responsible for yours.
Don’t excuse bad behavior, but don’t avoid it either. Confront it, not angrily but firmly. There’s no guarantee on whether your husband will do his part and it’s not something you can control. All you can do is your part and pray for wisdom and direction from the Holy Spirit.
For His Glory,
Christin
