I picked up this book because I didn’t realize how tightly I was holding onto the things I couldn’t control. It’s been exhausting overthinking all the things I cannot figure out—that aren’t mine to figure out.

Lysa’s book not only articulated what I was feeling, but also helped me practically navigate through the inability to rescue what I wasn’t able to.

As I was reading through I found myself nodding along, saying, “yes!” Out loud, and underlining like a madwoman. Lysa is so great at detailing what I was thinking and feeling.

She walked me through how to reign in my emotions and channel them properly.

When Loving People Means Worrying About Them

I’ve always been the kind of person who just wants things to go well for people. If someone has a bad day, then I have a bad day, too. If someone is hurt, it hurts me to see them hurt. And when someone is genuinely walking a path of self-destruction, naturally I want to help navigate them back to safety. But what happens when someone doesn’t see the dangerous road they are on and resist that correction?

It’s really hard to watch someone you love walk a path you know won’t end well.

I worry all the time and I worry because most circumstances are out of my control and coming to that realization can be either liberating or debilitating…or both.

Lysa speaks specifically of people we cannot control—nor should we. It’s not like I’m trying to be manipulative or bossy or a know-it-all. I just want the best for the people I love. I don’t want to see them hurt or unhappy.

Acknowledging this reality is important. Because the control lives inside us and when we can’t change someone’s choices, it lives in our physical bodies as stress and wreaks havoc on our health and mentality.

Truths That Resonated With Me

Lysa writes some amazing truths, too.

“We aren’t capable of knowing what’s best. Only God has that knowledge. Therefore, only God is capable of steering us toward what is best.”

“My efforts to control do not prevent my fears from coming true. The only thing my controlling does is make me a less stable and more chaotic version of myself.”

“My heart is to love all my people well, so being misjudged is really hard.” (This)

Lysa doesn’t share from textbook knowledge. She shares from personal experience. Every book she has written has been a challenge she has faced in her own life. She doesn’t write as an expert, but as a friend who is coming alongside to let you know you’re not alone. That she doesn’t have it all figured out, but she did learn some lessons along the way—through tears, and heartbreak and broken relationships.

We share similar fears. For example, we both fear that God will allow things that we can’t bear to live with. We’re afraid of our own powerlessness. Boy does that make me feel vulnerable!

But she’s learned and has taught me,

“When we are afraid of another person’s choices and start to strategize how we can rescue, fix, or motivate them to make changes they aren’t willing to make, we are stepping toward control and way from trusting God.”

“This spirit of fear can absolutely hinder a person’s well-being and become destructive to relationships.”

“Most of us aren’t inherently controlling people. We are caring people whose desperation has compelled us to do something, anything, to stop the madness. Control is fear disguised as strength.”

Clinging to the Wrong Things

Wow. It’s no wonder I don’t feel strong. I’m clinging to the wrong things. This is such an important reminder of how messy relationships can be. I think it’s why so many struggle to make and keep friends. We are looking for perfect connections with little resistance and it simply doesn’t exist in most relationships. There will always be something the other person lacks that you want or need. But it’s not up to other people to fill those needs for us. Only God can do that.

This is true of family members, too. In fact, this is where it is most challenging. Do you think God didn’t know that families would have conflict or that some people would have toxic behaviors? The problem I see in our society is that we are writing off people rather than working through things. I get it. Everyone has their side of the story. But I wonder, how many of us actually look at our own hearts to see where we may be contributing hurt to a relationship.

Since no one is perfect, there will always be room for growth in every person and every relationship. We tend to get so focused on the things we can’t control, we miss the things in ourselves we can control.

Lysa reminded me that Jesus is the comfort I need to cling to.

“Fear-based control doesn’t prevent things. It only causes me to pull away from God. And, honestly, our fear-based control will often also cause relational dysfunction with those we love and damage the very relationships we are trying to protect.”

We Can’t Control How Others See Us

I think it’s also important to note, we can’t control how other people perceive us, either. Some people are living with such deep wounds that they are in constant self-protective mode and even the nicest gestures can be seen as a threat. They are afraid to trust, so they treat kindness with hostility because they might think you have an ulterior motive.

If you find yourself exhausted from pouring into a relationship that just doesn’t seem to go the direction you hope, I encourage you to pick up this book. It’s quite freeing to release what you can’t control.

P.S. I was not compensated for this book reflection/recommendation. I bought the book and simply wanted to share it with you.