When you care about and serve something more than God, it’s an idol. When it starts making you a slave to it, it’s no longer serving you.
As I sat in my office last week, writing out my morning pages and listening to worship, I was wrestling with going to the gym. I didn’t want to go because I was having such a sweet time with the Lord and I didn’t want to rush it to go the gym. The idea of going was making me a bit anxious. It’s a whole ordeal just to get ready for the gym. While thinking about staying home brought me so much peace.
I talked on my personal IG a little about dabbling in worldly wisdom. A couple of years ago, I felt as if God’s Word had failed me even though I was doing my best to live it out. Well, it’s just not that simple. Because we aren’t perfect and we live in a world of many people not following the Lord. In other words, people are going to fail us.
Letting Go of God and Grabbing ‘Hold of Myself
I had let my relationship with God go. I stopped talking, I stopped listening. I moved further and further away from Him because I felt like, “What was the point?” I didn’t get what I wanted out of it, so I bailed. I let my pain speak for me. That may be an oversimplification of the grittiness of it, but in the end, that’s what it was. I leaned on my own understanding of things instead of seeking His.
So, I turned to myself. I focused on myself. Not with the wisdom of God, but with the wisdom of the world. Rather than allowing God to heal me His way, I took it into my own hands. And since I withdrew from Him, I started finding myself in other things. Mainly, going to the gym. Lifting. I allowed it to become my identity.
I completely wrapped myself up in it because it was something I could control. Only I could show up. Only I could put in the work. Only I could earn the results.
However…
As I’ve been working on my relationship with God, and the closer I get to Him, the less I want to go to the gym. Not because the gym is bad but because I was finding my identity in the gym and in my physique and in the control I felt it gave me. But that desire is fading. I don’t want to wrap myself up in this endeavor. Partially because I find I’m constantly disappointed. But also because it’s not fulfilling and when I focus so heavily on myself.
Don’t misunderstand…
Health, wellness, fitness—none of these things are bad. They are beneficial to a point. But for me, they took over my life. The cost was high—too high for me. It took lots of time and lots of mental space. I was constantly thinking about food, calories, my physique, and macros, and weighing it against how much activity I’d done that day. I was measuring it all. And when I failed to measure up, I felt like a failure. I was out of control of the one thing I thought I could control.
If I missed my protein goal, I failed. If I went over my fat goal, I failed. If I didn’t close all my activity rings, I failed. I “failed” a lot and it took its toll on how I saw myself. It seemed like everyone on Instagram had it all together. I know. I know. Instagram never tells the full story. But your brain doesn’t make that distinction unless you are intentional about telling it—every time you scroll through someone’s post, story, or reel. Your brain takes in what it sees.
Then I’d scroll social media and see these amazing fitness influencers who looked fabulous and I really wanted that. So, I would buck up and decide again that I was going to do this. I was going to close those rings and meet my protein goal and make this happen. I would show up to the gym again with new resolve. I’d be in the gym 2-3 hours. Walk one mile on the treadmill. Do my lifting routine. Do another mile on the treadmill; 4-6 days a week. I was going to make myself acceptable to the fitness world and to myself. Then I’d post about it all on Instagram.
It was a vicious cycle of failing to measure up and then resolving to measure up. I’d find myself once again chasing what was temporary and unfulfilling. Because I was created for a greater purpose and I wasn’t walking in it. I didn’t trust that God had my best self in Him.
For a couple of years…
My flesh and spirit were locked into this ongoing struggle. That day, God showed me the reason behind this conflict: while I desire what God provides, I’ve continually sought solace in worldly offerings. The two are fundamentally at odds, explaining the intensity of my wrestling match.
I kept deactivating my lifting account on IG because I went back and forth between wanting that validation and then not wanting to live off it. I’d delete it, (which only deactivated it for 30 days before deleting) then I’d go back to it before it deleted and restore it. Because I thought it could deliver for me what I thought I needed.
Validation. Attention. Motivation.
Then I’d spend more time with God and realize how much I didn’t need nor want the attention or what I thought was validation of people on IG. So, I’d deactivate it again with the intent to delete it. And I kept changing my mind. Even though it kept failing to deliver.
I need to find a way to lift without it being a part of my identity. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that day it all made sense. As I’ve been focusing on building back my relationship with God, it’s also been a battle of back and forth with flesh and spirit.
For 8 years, I’d been listening to the wisdom of the fitness community.
“No excuses!”
“No one cares. Work harder!”
“Put yourself first”
“Don’t eat this, don’t eat that”
“Don’t do this, do that”
“Log everything”
“Take supplements”
“Don’t take supplements. They’re harmful”
When does something become an idol?
When you care about it more than God. When you serve it more than God. When it starts making you a slave to it, it’s no longer serving you. When your blessing turns into a curse, it’s time to reevaluate.
I had a spiritual battle going on inside me, my mental health was a mess and I wasn’t sleeping well. Mental health often stems from the spiritual. I was depressed on and off. I was horribly conflicted. I was anxious. I was constantly torn between conflicting information different health and fitness influencers would share.
So, does that mean I’m giving up lifting and my health? No. But I needed to make some adjustments. I needed to go dark from sharing on social media for a while until I could learn to do this only for me and not need an audience.
When I am aligned with God, I have His peace because I know I’m exactly where I need to be. When I step outside His counsel, His commands, and His covering, it’s nothing but chaos and confusion. Everything inside me is a battle. My mental health becomes a mess because my spiritual health is in decline. They are the same. But that’s a conversation for another post.
I haven’t experienced this much peace about a decision in a long time. I know it’s the right one. Taking a step back means not lifting 4-6 days a week for 2+ hours each session. Instead, it will be 3-4 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour.
Other ways I stay active include daily walking, weekly roller skating, and when it warms up again, biking and hiking. Activities that are enjoyable and not all about burning calories but staying active and having fun.
Do you have something in your life that’s become an idol but you didn’t really recognize it as such?
