Do you find it challenging to find and make friends? You are not alone. The gift of friends is worth the effort necessary to find and invest in them.

I have heard countless stories from women who struggle to find good friends. Some challenges are legit while others can be overcome. Some women don’t have a church home which makes it more difficult to find those treasured friends. If you have suffered through church hurt, I want to encourage you to not let that rob you of becoming part of a new church body. There are many reasons God told us to not forsake that gathering of the saints: we need each other. We need companionship, we need accountability, we need to sharpen and encourage one another.

I struggle to pour myself into people repeatedly, and the relationships dissolve for some reason. It’s hard because I kinda like good things to last forever and that’s simply not how life works. It could be due to a long distance move or changing churches. It’s hard for me to start over because I’m a deep feeling-kinda person and I tend to pour myself out. And doing that over and over with a new group of friends, even every 8-10 years can be a lot. I like to keep the same friends because they know me, they know my story, they know my kids and have helped me raise them.

But today, I find myself in a new church. I have been there for only a year. My kids are adults and teenagers, and half of them don’t go to church with us. The people don’t know our kids like our 2 previous churches did, where my kids grew up for the last 2 decades. It’s a completely new type of season and this past weekend was the first time since we started attending this church that I started letting people in and getting vulnerable.

There are some requirements and expectations to build a tribe of friends. You need to be willing to put in the work to make it happen. I get it, it can be hard and feel exhausting emotionally. But in the end, it is totally worth it.

5 Ways to Build Your Friend Circle

1. You have to make an effort.

One mistake you don’t want to make is waiting for people to come to you. Most women do this and that’s a large reason why they don’t connect with other women. You need to be the one to step out first. You will get out of friendship what you put into it. Introduce yourself to someone. Show up at the ladies breakfast or Bible study. Engage in conversation, participate in the study and offer your insights, ask for prayer. Showing up is only half the journey. You need also to be involved.

2. You need to allow for imperfect people.

One quick way to ruin a potential friendship is to judge a person. Complaining about them [even to yourself] because they do things differently than you will also damage the relationship. A good friend doesn’t need to do things the same way you do. Celebrating differences is one of the best ways to form strong bonds. Learning how to love people different from you is an excellent way to grow and live in obedience to God.

3. Recognize there is not one person who will fulfill all your desires for friendship

o prelude this, you must understand that only God can truly fulfill all your needs. No human, or group of humans will be able to do that for you. Having close friends is a gift. Each friend will contribute something different and unique. While one friend may be great at serving up wisdom, another might be gifted at hospitality and another an intercessor. Having a circle of friends is a treasure trove of goodness!

4. Having the gift of friends starts with being a good friend

Being a good friend means not gossiping or slandering another. This seems to be one of the largest issues among groups of women. There’s a reason God’s Word tells us not to gossip—it’s hurtful and harmful. If you want to have good friends, you must first be a good friend. Good friends don’t tear down others with their words. They don’t stand on the struggles of others to lift themselves up. You need to be trustworthy, compassionate, and understanding.You need to give more than you receive. You don’t go into a friendship for what you can get out of it; you seek out ways to pour into it.

5. Vulnerability is part of the package, but caution is wise

Building strong connections means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It means letting yourself open up a bit with people who are safe. However, even among a group of women, it’s wise to be careful who you allow yourself to be vulnerable with. Not every woman is trustworthy with your vulnerability. A sure sign of this is if this person gossips about other people to you. You can be pretty certain if someone gossips to you, they are most likely gossiping about you, too.

The gift of friendship is a give and receive relationship. Not only do you need to be a giver, you also need to be a receiver. Your friends want to help you and bless you. You are not a burden unless you are always taking and taking and never giving anything back.

It’s tough to say because you don’t want people to feel like a burden. However, the reality is that some people become burdens on others. They do this when they ask and take but never give back or do what’s necessary to help themselves and trust God. Don’t be that kind of friend. Don’t be a complainer and grumbler. Don’t allow envy to creep in and absolutely do not walk around with self-pity. You won’t build friendships if you make everything about you.

Be humble and kind, and give freely. To make good friends, be a good friend. If you step out of your comfort zone a little bit, you will be amazed at the reward. Sometimes it takes time to find the right, godly friends, but don’t give up! Having the gift of friends is a treasure trove of blessings!

Love,

Christin