Adoption always starts with tragedy and trauma. It’s messy and complicated but no less beautifully redemptive.
Disclaimer: Both my adopted daughters, Margaret (20) and Christina (18), gave me permission to share this here.
The last update I wrote was 5 years ago — it certainly doesn’t feel that long! You can read it here.
July 7th marked 10 years since we brought Margaret and Christina home from Ghana. The last time I shared an update was about 5 years ago — which is crazy to me because it doesn’t seem like it has been that long.
Adopting these two beautiful young women as girls was one of the best things we ever did. I can’t speak specifically for my husband, but for me, I had to adapt my parenting to meet their needs. I’ve had to learn to deal with some of my own triggers in order to help them deal with theirs.
I didn’t always get it right. But God gave me the wisdom and grace to learn when it was time to change things up and try something new when it just wasn’t working.
The Challenges of Trauma in Adoption
No matter how good a situation or how young, any child torn from their family faces trauma on some level. Any child, no matter how young, who is malnourished and goes for long stretches being very hungry creates pathways in their brains that trigger fear. This then triggers a survival instinct.
One of my daughters told me a story about how she got busted when she was still living in the orphanage for eating toothpaste—because she was trying to ease her hunger pangs. She was quite young. There was a short season when she would steal food here and then lie about it, despite the fact that she had plenty to eat, and we never turned her down if she was hungry. She’d been home for 7 years already and was 15 years old.
When she was asked why, she couldn’t really explain why. For a short season after that, we decided to have her pick out her own snack from the grocery store each week. We told her she could eat it whenever she wanted, she didn’t need to ask. We wanted her to feel secure and full during this season she was struggling with.
Asking for anything is very difficult for my girls. We aren’t sure why—they aren’t even fully sure why. Help with their schoolwork or help with a chore if they get stuck on something, they wouldn’t ask. If they grew out of a pair of shoes or pants or a coat, they wouldn’t come to us to let us know. They do not initiate conversations. That’s something we need to do.
In some ways, even after ten years at home, my girls still have trepidation about some things.
When I ask questions to figure out or understand a scenario, they both tend to go into fear mode. One gets very defensive, while the other just kind of looks stunned, unsure what to say. I don’t know exactly what their lives were like in Ghana or how all things were handled. I do know they were caned (smacked with a thin branch or rod) as a discipline measure—the only discipline measure. I do know the caretakers didn’t ask questions to get to the bottom of an issue, they just caned and left it at that. Even if they were caning the wrong person. There was no conversation. That was just their way.
It’s hard to understand their thought process when they don’t even understand it. But I’ve learned, and am learning, to work through it with them.
None of what I’ve shared here is meant to have a negative connotation. While we were going through it, I often felt confused and unsure of how to handle things. I stayed in tune with God’s voice so He could guide me. The adoption books I read could only offer me some suggestions but because they didn’t know my children or their unique needs, they couldn’t really address them. The last thing I wanted to do was make things worse, but I also needed to have clear boundaries on what was acceptable and what wasn’t.
A Little Glimpse
Both Margaret and Christina have graduated from high school now, and both are unsure what they want to do next. Honestly, I think the prospect is overwhelming for them. Living independently isn’t as easy as it was when I became an adult. Everything is much more expensive—even without inflation in the mix. And it seems as if life is much more complicated — or it appears that way because of the constant stream of social media in your face all the time. We have encouraged them to stay home, work, and save for their future while we teach them how to budget, pay bills, and continue to contribute to the household.
Margaret often excels at whatever she touches. She spent several years exploding as a tap dancer. With how quickly she picked it up and perfected it, she could have taught her own class. She’s great at crocheting when she puts her mind to it. Lately, she’s been posting content on Instagram and TikTok, encouraging people in the Lord and to read the Bible. She loves the Lord and leans into Him. She is fun and quirky and full of life! Her smile will brighten your day.
Christina is a bit more subdued unless she feels backed into a corner. She is very much an introvert and is like me in a way—unsure of committing to any one thing. Her laugh is loud and full of life, and when she smiles, it brightens her whole face. But when she’s not smiling, I often think something is wrong, and I’ll ask her. But no, she just has a very focused look when she’s not smiling. She is a very giving, patient, and forgiving young woman. She loves to sing, but not in front of people. She loves horses and would enjoy working on a horse farm. We haven’t found any good, local opportunities to make that happen, but I’m praying God will open some doors for her. Her favorite shows are Heartland and Little House on the Prairie.
If you’d like to read the process of our adoption, you can click here. Start at the bottom and work your way up.
