As your teens transition into adulthood, your role as a mom changes. Be prepared for the magnitude and emotions of this transition.
When my firstborn graduated high school, she worked four jobs, all of which she loved. She decided, and I agree, that college was not necessary for her pursuits.
As I watched my daughter transition from teenager to adult, I’ve had to let things go, such as offering unsolicited advice and opening myself up to other possibilities that can lead to the desired outcome.
Transition Out of Active Parenting
While our children are growing and legally under our care, parenting is more about absolutes while teaching and helping them to make the right decisions—offering consequences when they didn’t meet that standard.
I’ve actually learned to loosen up a bit on this because as our children get older, they need to have a margin for error in order to learn from their mistakes in a more natural way rather than a forced way. They also need to learn to make some of their own choices. Most teens and young adults aren’t all that interested in learning from your experience. They want to create their own experiences and learn from them. However, if they ask, don’t turn them away!
But once they become legal adults, they know it as much as you do. They want to make their own decisions and they want your support when they do—-even if you believe you may know better in certain circumstances.
It’s tough, too, because when you see a situation clearly and you have experience, even if you have a good relationship with your adult child, you can’t just throw in your unsolicited advice. It often won’t be well received, especially if it has a negative connotation in their eyes.
Your role should transition from active parenting to supporter and friend. Allow your relationship to flourish! Don’t hold so tightly onto your parenting role that you smother your adult child and alienate them.
Adult Kids Need Our Support
They want to run with their independence but they also want you to be proud of the decisions they make. Rather than being a parent in the sense of telling your child what to do, you’re more of a guidance counselor (as my brother put it) and only when they come asking for it.
After all the teaching, training, and guiding you’ve done with your child, in the end, they will be the ones to choose their own path. You could do everything “right” and your child chooses a path you wouldn’t choose for them. Or, you can do it all “wrong” and they surprise you.
Once they marry, it’s even another completely different ballgame. If you have a daughter, she is now under the care of her husband [under God] and it’s his job to take care of her. If you have a son, He is under the authority of God [yet with accountability from His church body]. Our guidance can only come when asked.
As parents, our goal is to lead them back to their spouse. That’s not to say we can never offer suggestions or guidance, but our aim should be to help them work together as a couple. And since I’m literally two weeks into having a daughter who’s married, that’s all I can offer on that at this time!
Control Your Emotions
Be prepared for a shift in your role as your teenagers become adults. Sometimes, the best lessons come from experience. You will go through an array of emotions. Do not allow those emotions to dictate your relationship with your adult child. Work through them. Deal with them. And remember, what’s most important is keeping your relationship growing if at all possible.
Emotions happen when things hit us unexpectedly, and we aren’t sure how to process it all. Feel the emotions but do it privately with your spouse or a trusted friend. Eventually, all those big feelings will dissipate and life will still be moving.
If you allow these fleeting emotions to lead your conversations with your child, serious damage could be done. Be wise. Be patient. Allow God to work in your heart in His own way. Believe me when I tell you that your adult child won’t be the only one with much to learn. You will, too.
