Be His Wife {Chapter 4}

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Welcome to week 4 of our Pursuit of Proverbs 31 study. In an attempt to rally some of you back in to the study, we’re going to be offering a giveaway at the bottom of this post, so stay tuned!

I know sometimes when we get behind on a study we can feel like we’ve failed and just give up attempting to get back on board. Don’t do this! It’s better to jump in where we are at then to just give up the whole study altogether. You can always go back to those chapters, and visit the series here to watch the videos at any time. Let’s just keep moving forward and not worry about what we left behind. Nothing’s perfect, right? Let’s make the most of it!

Today we’re touching on being a wife and help meet to our husbands. Amy makes some excellent points in this section, so if you don’t own a copy, get it here!

Here are some of my thoughts and experience.

Your relationship with your husband should be first priority under your relationship with God.

Having a good foundation in your marriage sets a good foundation for your children. Having a good foundation with God sets a good foundation for your marriage {which perhaps I could have mentioned first}.

Children need to see their mama respect, support, and love their daddy unconditionally. Not only when you think he deserves it or only after you get your needs met, but simply because you want to show love to him. Which I know can be so hard when it’s not a lifestyle you grew into in the beginning of your marriage. But nothing is hopeless and I have heard of countless marriages transformed just by having transformed thinking.

We must remember the design for marriage God has given us — He’s given it to us for our good.

Here are some key elements that I have found imperative for the health of my marriage:

Communication & Prayer

When my husband and I don’t communicate well, it can lead to major frustrations and a sense of insignificance. However, getting to know my husband has helped me understand how he works, and as a result of this, I know he doesn’t do things to intentionally make me angry.

For example, when he’s running late (really late) from work and doesn’t call to let me know, and I try calling him and get no answer. I used to get so irritated at this because I would worry! Often, he doesn’t even realize the time because he is so deep in his work, trying to get it finished so he can come home. Since I have come to understand this, it’s easier to set my mind at ease. That doesn’t mean we’ll always understand everything our husband does, but we can still show understanding and grace.

I also pray for my husband, in general and specifically. Two weeks ago he hurt his back at work and was on work restrictions because he couldn’t lift or bend much. I specifically prayed and I asked my Good Morning Girls group to pray as well. He is almost 100% better now, doing his full work load again. Our husbands need our prayers! But please, mind your prayers. Certainly it’s important that our husband’s grow in the Lord, but don’t allow your prayer life to become a list of complaints against all the things your husband isn’t doing right. And certainly don’t ask your girlfriends to pray for all his “wrongs”. That would shame your husband. Yea, don’t do that.

Love & Respect

These are probably the two most important factors in marriage. Husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands. Obviously, we also should love our husbands and they should respect us. But isn’t it powerful how God knew what a man and a woman would need? Women need to feel loved and men need to know they are respected–especially by their wife.

I never had an all out desire to purposefully disrespect or dishonor my husband. Rather, there are little things that I had to learn that were disrespectful to him–and I’m still learning. For example, a big pet peeve of his is when I correct his disciplinary action of the children, in front of the children.

It used to be a really bad habit that was hard to break. Sometimes I just  felt the need to come to their defense if he didn’t know the whole story or if I thought the discipline didn’t fit the “crime”. However, that doesn’t justify my disrespectful behavior in front of the children. This is where communication is SO vital. My husband was wise in telling me this bothered him, rather then letting it stew and me never knowing about it.

Forgiveness & Unity

These are also very important elements in our marriage. When my husband and I get into a nasty fight, which are really rare, but they do happen. It hurts. I have a mix of anger and pain. Because although I might be angry with him, I am also hurting from being in disunity from him. We are a team. So when there is a disconnect, I feel that divide. These are the times when I really pray. I pray for God to work in both our hearts.

Regardless of who’s right or wrong, I apologize. Because if my husband is angry or hurt or upset, it means that my actions have caused those feelings. I’m not the one feeling them, so I cannot say what he should or shouldn’t feel based on my actions. The simple fact is, my actions wronged him in some way. So I apologize. Unity with my husband is much more important than who was right or who was wrong.

Ladies, we want to challenge you this week. What can you do to make your husband feel respected by you? Is there a specific area you fall short in? Do you struggle overall? Choose one thing, pray for God’s direction, and work toward it this week.


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  1. This is an area where God has already been challenging me. I never meant to intentionally disrespect Trace, but God has been showing me ‘little’ areas where I can change. One example is like when I would be preparing dinner in the kitchen and Trace would be in the family room with the littles, he would be managing a disagreement that came up. I felt the need to yell out my two cents about what should be done. Often I was agreeing with him, but I realized that my chiming in was me trying to control the situation where he is fully capable and where he is called to be head. There are many areas like this where I have been asking God to make me more conscious of letting my husband lead. He is more than willing and capable, and is a Godly man~ I don’t know why I wouldn’t want him to lead other than that I’m an idiot… ;) Thankfully God is faithful!

  2. It’s a tough lesson to learn, and the world doesn’t want us to respect men, or to forgive them, or apologize, or be humble. But God wants us to be submissive, respectful, obedient, loving, wives. Thanks for the great reminder. 

  3. Erika @ Slowly Natural says:

    I completely can understand Mandy’s comment… That’s how I feel about my marriage. I never intentionally disrespect my husband, but I find myself doing it…. and feeling  guilty afterwards. And praying about it and doing it again and again. My biggest desire as a mother is to show my children how amazing their father is and how a wife is suppose to treat her husband. Only way to make that happen is to continually pray  and strive for it.

  4. Thank you for this post, I am just now jumping into this study, and boy do I need it right now. With a daughter turning two tomorrow and a 2 week old, it’s so easy to put the marriage on the back burner. Thanks for reminding me to Keep Christ first, and then my hubby!

  5. i feel like we get so  busy with the kids we forget to really love one another…  I try to remember to pray daily for God to  help me feel love for my husband and to show him love as well.  Im trying to be more intentional about showing love–it is not my strong suit!  and trying to keep in mind that he needs to be my priority over the children…its just hard when the kids are so little and need so much!  I’ve been reading the blog “to love, honor, and vacuum” by Sheila Wray Gregoire, and I  think a lot of her marriage (and sex!) tips and ideas really resonate with me–mostly that you really need to out forth that effort to make your marriage a priority–its not going to change itself, and it is so important!

  6. Leslie.n says:

    I am pretty consistent at having daily time in The Word. And my husband is a priority. We have 5 sons & one daughter (<26) in a coma at home. Care-giver is having a baby & Im looking into help to cover for her absence. . Home-Scholing 13 y.o. son too. So I'm encouraged to jot down a schedule & press on by grace☼

  7. I loved this post and chapter 4. I struggle with what you said above Christin pertaining to children and discipline. My husband did as yours and let me know it bothers him. I have been trying to do better at not coming to their defense,but it can be so hard at times. I know it’s important to not do this because our boys need to know I respect my husband and he has the final say.

    It can be hard to just spend time together without kids. He works as a State Trooper and we live away from family in apartments. We have 3 boys : 4,2,and 8 months. It gets stresful and tight. I find myself getting irritated easier than I want. Amy we live close to your state. We live in AL. :-)

  8. Megan Martino says:

    I’m new here; but I need this right now. Really need this. I am newly married to my husband; we were just married in January. I love him more than words can describe but I have a VERY hard time respecting him. I understand the concept OF respecting him but I don’t always feel like he respects me back and that angers me. I am a SAHM and so he doesn’t really think that I’ve worked as hard as he has and we fight because we’re both exhausted and can’t come to an agreement. I also struggle with the communication; what do you do when YOU DO tell your husband your feelings and they just aren’t heard?

    • Megan, congratulations on your recent marriage. God has given you the opportunity to love your spouse by “laying down your life” (or laying down your immediate emotional needs) to serve your husband, which honors God. Early in marriage I too struggled with feelings of my emotions not being met by my husband even after I told him what was bothering me. It was a really hard lesson to learn, but God showed me how I was looking to my husband to fulfill my emotional needs instead of looking to God. It was so easy to have this preconceived idea of how my husband should be treating me, speaking to me, loving me, and spending time with me and whenever those needs were not met, I would shut down & not give the respect I needed to give to my husband. The thing is, God has even better plans for your marriage than you can imagine. The key is to surrender your “ideas” of what it should be and just LOVE God unconditionally. Pray for your husband daily and for yourself for God to transform your mind and make you the wife God intends you to be regardless of what you get in return because that is the example Christ gave us. He loved us before we loved Him. I would highly recommend the book “Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It has helped put a voice to my desires for my husband. You can a used copy very inexpensively online or at a bargain bookstore.

  9. Tonya Davis says:

    One word jumped out at me when reading this…UNITY. I have always hated the way it feels when we are in an argument. I always thought that I was just angry at him or hurt by something he said or did, but this really nailed it. I’m really just craving unity with him. That’s so powerful, and I will definitely think of that the next time we get into a disagreement. Thank you!

  10. Love and respect: My Hubby loves when he comes home from work, I open the door and give him a kiss. He said it makes him feel respected and he also knows that I think he’s the BEST!!
    Ever read the book Love and Respect? I recommend that book to all married couples! It’s a great book!! I am enjoying your posts on marriage. Always can learn and grow. Also we need to remember our girls who are looking on. They are watching to see how we treat our husband so that when they are married they have some thing to look back too. It is amazing how our mothers influnce on our lives in the little areas affect us when we are older. I find myself doing things that my mom did. And when I stop and think about it, it is like well I learned it from her. Let’s keep looking up!

  11. Yes, yes, yes!! I have learned so much, just by remembering that I am not my husband’s personal Holy Spirit; I need to allow God to work in & through him. Instead of pouring over my list of complaints, I need to be lovingly pouring out grace!
    Thank-you for reminding us of these truths.

  12. Motherhicks says:

    I appreciate reading all the comments.  I have 3 little ones at home and things can get so busy, we don’t take the time we need to communicate with each other.  We must make it a priority. It makes such a big difference in our marriage when we do and also effects how our children act.
    I’m quite interested in reading the book, “Love and Respect”.

  13. Christen, I love what you shared – about apologizing because your actions hurt your husband; irrespective of who’s right or wrong. That was an eye-opener for me! I learnt 2 valuable lessons from Chapter 4:
    1) Emotions & feelings follow the action. You have to do it to feel it!
    2) Praying with/for your husband strengthens your marriage. Going forward, I’m not going to take the responsibility of praying for my husband lightly.

  14. Busymomof10 says:

    Great Post !  Thanks for sharing!

    I loved the part about Love and Respect.  What a wife needs most is love and what a husband needs most is Respect, yet we are so prone to mix that up.  We love our husbands but fail to respect and defer to them.  One thing I used to do was to make alternate suggestions to my husband’s.  I never even realized it was undermining his leadership.  Now a very strong, secure leader may not be bothered by that, but my husband felt that I always thought I had a better idea about what we should do, where we should go, when we should leave, what gift we should buy, etc.  Understand, I will willing to comply with his decision, but as we discussed things, I always had a better idea.  :(  I had to learn to keep some of my ideas to myself and just embrace his ideas.  I am not saying I never speak up . . . . but I had to learn to encourage my husband’s leadership and confidence!!

  15. Busymomof10 says:

    Great Post !  Thanks for sharing!

    I loved the part about Love and Respect.  What a wife needs most is love and what a husband needs most is Respect, yet we are so prone to mix that up.  We love our husbands but fail to respect and defer to them.  One thing I used to do was to make alternate suggestions to my husband’s.  I never even realized it was undermining his leadership.  Now a very strong, secure leader may not be bothered by that, but my husband felt that I always thought I had a better idea about what we should do, where we should go, when we should leave, what gift we should buy, etc.  Understand, I will willing to comply with his decision, but as we discussed things, I always had a better idea.  :(  I had to learn to keep some of my ideas to myself and just embrace his ideas.  I am not saying I never speak up . . . . but I had to learn to encourage my husband’s leadership and confidence!!

  16. Busymomof10 says:

    Forgot to mention one more thing!  ;)

    Back to Love and Respect = our children are watching and learning by what they observe.  Our children learn how to Obey and Respect their parents by watching how we (their mothers) respect and submit to our husbands.  They learn how to Love by how they watch our husbands (their fathers) Love us (their wives).  They need to see both in balance!

  17. I recently had to be humble and apologize when I interfered with my husband’s discipline of our son.  I knew that was being respectful, but it also made me aware that I should not interfere. I even complimented him as a father.  I think I need to respect him when he needs down time.  We had a huge disagreement several weeks ago that showed me that I need to allow my husband to enjoy time alone when he needs it.

  18. Carrie P. says:

    I respect my husband very much, but my behavior hasn’t been showing it lately.  My husband recently took a new job offer which requires us to move.  I supported him throughout that decision and made sure he knew I was sincere, but lately I’ve been questioning this change.  I’ve been nervous, having doubts, and even broke down and cried tonight.  I know all of these emotions are normal, and I’m not having doubts about my husbands decision, I’m just fearing the unknown.  This behavior might suggest to my husband that I don’t respect his decision, so I guess here’s my chance to strengthen my faith in God and my opportunity to prove to my husband I truly respect and trust him.

  19. I was just talking to my husband this past week on how its been hard to put him first (that is before the children, 2nd to God of course). I feel like these last few years with becoming parents and having so many demands on us that I have definitely felt the drift of not giving my husband as much as I should.  Life just changes with kiddos but I am keenly aware that I need God to help me in this area…to prioritize rightly and give my husband the time, love and respect needed. Thanks for the encouragement in your post! =)

  20. I was covering the verse in Eph 5:33 where is commands us to respect our husbands this morning.   What hit me was respect was the same as fear as in God.   That just hit me today.   

  21. Jeri Lynn says:

    I missed last week, so I am catching up now….
    One thing I have purposed to do years ago, and IT WORKS: I “catch” my husband doing good. Whenever my husband does something that blesses me, I make sure to tell him! Whether it is play with our boys, empty the trash, cook me breakfast (which happens almost daily), or take the time to sit with me on the swing for prayer and a cup of tea….if it blesses me, I make sure to tell him! Even if we are apart and I think of something he recently did, I will send him a text or leave a message on his cell phone. I want my husband to know exactly what he does that brings me joy.  I want him to know that I notice and appreciate all his hard work and effort. So far he has not gotten tired of me telling him I “caught” him doing good. In fact, I think his eyes sparkle when I begin to list how he blesses me ;)

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